Separation Anxiety Due To Relationship Problems

Many of us with anxiety, have problems in relationships…mostly because people don’t understand why we can’t ‘just get over it’. However, sometimes people develop separation anxiety after something happens in a relationship, for example, losing someone they love.

Separation Anxiety and Hope

This week I received an email from Mary. As I cannot legally give advice, I asked if I could publish her email on my website, where I can certainly provide my opinion…and I am sure Mary would love to hear from other readers too. So please comment below if you would like to say something.

Email I Received

“My husband suddenly abandoned me last year after almost 20 years and I’ve had severe anxiety ever since. I’m still under trauma. No sleep. I’m seeing a counselor, but no help.

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He was the most perfect husband, I had no clue. The devastation is just awful. He was a foster child and I told him one day I’ll find your biological parents. I did and found out he wasn’t the only child, he had five other brothers and sisters. I found them for him eight years ago and ever since then they have been wonderful. We went up to meet them all.

He’s got an older brother that knows a lot of divorced woman up…in a small cabin in a town up north…and introduced him to a divorced woman and he came home a little bit coolish, but he still said I love you so much, every day, many times…and I never had a clue.

I went on vacation for one week, and because we have dogs, a week later I came home and found he was on dating sites. He had been contacting that woman and yet he still tells me he loves me and I am his life and everything. I noticed on the cell bill that he had been talking to many, many, many women on several dating sites and actually tried to date one two days after I left.

I found all this on my cell bill and instead of talking to me he just abandoned me and went up to live with his daughter for a year. He changed so quickly, to this day I don’t know what happened. He’s never talked to me about being unhappy or whatever.

He said he wanted to email me but he has no phone…but he does have a phone. I just recently found out that he took our business and took it up north, moved in with the same woman, she’s a realtor, and she fronted him and got back up in the business again, and that was our business down here. My son was his partner. He abandoned my son too. He was my life. He was just my life and he told me I was his…

So I’m suffering from severe anxiety everyday and taking care of the house, the dog’s, the bills, everything. I don’t get a penny from him because I didn’t think he had any money. I did divorce him last year because he wouldn’t get off the dating sites and he didn’t come home, but yet he wants to email me…but now the emails are getting less and less. He does have a phone but he refuses to use a cell phone. I’m suffering from sadness. They put me on anti-anxiety pills. I don’t want to be taking them. I know there’s withdrawal effects and side effects. I’m stuck. Please help. Thank you, Mary.”

My heart broke when I read Mary’s email and I wanted to help so badly…but I explained how I am not qualified to do so and Mary replied,

“Yes I understand. There’s just so many websites out there with therapists that just want money, and everything…no matter what I’m down and out, abandoned. There is another site out there called a band and husbands and I said if you really want to help me, but I can’t afford your $300 or whatever video and programs and all that stuff.

So you’re okay, thanks for explaining it to me. I’m just desperately trying to get rid of this anxiety. I have separation anxiety when my husband left. I love him so much, almost 20 years he brought life back into me after my late husband died. We were married for 21 years and he just keeled over suddenly and three years later I met this guy who passed with flying colors. He was wonderful. This man was so good to me. I don’t know what happened. We got along great, we were together everyday, better business together, he said, I don’t care where I’m at honey as long as I’m with you.”

My Thoughts

Now it’s my turn Mary.

Remember I am not a therapist, psychologist, or a marriage counselor. I am someone like you…however, I am someone who cares. One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome my own anxiety issues is having family and friends who care. Who, although they ‘try to understand’ some of them actually do!

I am here to say, I do understand how you must be feeling…and I know it hurts and I know the hurt won’t just go away with a magic pill. However, for you to overcome your anxiety you must help yourself.

You made the decision to divorce your husband because you felt betrayed…and you had every right to feel that way. (I would have done the same.) Do you see you emotionally had the power to make that huge decision?

Your separation anxiety is totally normal. Your sadness is totally normal. I am not there to see how you are coping, but it appears to me as if you are grieving as you would losing a loved one in death.

I know you say you are seeing a therapist and it isn’t helping. I have had friends that have seen many therapists before they have found one that has actually helped them. You have to click with your therapist. Perhaps it would help if you saw a different one…or asked if there was a women’s group you could be a part of where you could talk with like-minded women.

The one thing that stands out to me is, you said, “This man was so good to me. I don’t know what happened. We got along great, we were together everyday, better business together, he said, I don’t care where I’m at honey as long as I’m with you.” You also said a few year brackets, which I have added up and I am assuming your husband may be around the age of 60.

Many men go through male menopause…and many feel as though their life is passing by and they can make life-changing decisions which can shock family and friends. Perhaps this happened to your husband. The main thing I am trying to point out is, you have to love yourself and know it wasn’t your fault. Don’t hurt yourself with all the ‘why’s and what-ifs’.

It’s time to start healing yourself Mary!

Start looking in the mirror every time you walk past one and smile at yourself and say beautiful things to yourself. One of my friend’s told me her Grandmother said to her when she was a little girl, that no-one will love you as much as you can love yourself. Make sure you tell yourself everyday in the mirror how beautiful and special you are.”

It’s such wonderful advice! So let’s start with you taking my friend’s Grandmother’s advice. Say things like, “You’re the most beautiful person I know. I wish everyone was as loving and caring as you are.”

I’m here to talk to Mary. As I said, I have no qualifications to be offering any advice…but I’ll answer every time you ‘talk to me’ in the comment sections below. I promise!

About Jennifer Johnson

I suffered with social anxiety and stress for years. I discovered what my triggers were and learned to control them. Hopefully some of the natural anxiety relief techniques I have tried, will also be your solution.

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Comments

  1. Jennifer Johnson says:

    Update from Mary:

    Thank you Jennifer. I just got back into the state, I was with my daughter and her three boys and was busy every day with her and kids. I did not have to take an anti anxiety pill like I do at home alone here…

    Mary, as you know I can’t give advice, however, I think you have found your own answer. You said, “I did not have to take an anti anxiety pill like I do at home alone here.”

    That obviously means to me that when you are not alone…you are not feeling your anxiety…therefore, I believe you need to find something, a hobby for example, that gets you out of the house and where you can meet other people socially. (My own mother started patchworking at a weekly craft group with other ladies and now loves it! She hated patchwork before…but loves the interaction.)

    As many anxiety sufferers have found, the only way to ‘beat it’ is to know their triggers (in your case, being at home alone), so to beat your own anxiety you have to do what works for you!

    Not having to take an anxiety medication while you were with your daughter is wonderful! You need to find ‘more wonderful’ and as you can see, you will be able to overcome your anxiety naturally! (In my opinion!!)

    • That’s the problem, I’m so busy with work and taking care of everything and working, I like coming home to my dogs, I’m taking care of them. My problem is that I miss my husband. x. If he walked through the door and wanted to come back I’d be so happy wouldn’t have to take anything, this was just devastating Jennifer, my anxiety is…not having him here as my companion, soulmate, my best friend, everything.

      UC when I was a child, very small, I was left with strangers a lot by my mom and I think that’s why I have the separation anxiety. I used to have panic attacks in high school but I cured them myself.

      I just crave my husband. I can be around a hundred people and miss him, like today I’m so upset in my stomach, churning stomach and burning chest. It’s horrible. It’s all anxiety because I’m so used to having him here and when he abandoned me so quickly without ever telling me why I was left with no closure.

      • Jennifer Johnson says:

        I totally understand and can feel your pain. A close friend of mine has no closure in their last relationship and they grieve as though that person has died…however, knowing they are alive and well, makes it all that much harder. It obviously is the same for you.

        You have probably been told by your therapist that time will heal and maybe it will. If you suffered separation anxiety as a child, yes, it makes it all that much harder. I understand that because of my own social anxiety as a child…that still rears its ugly head now as an adult sometimes.

        I know what triggers mine, which is why I do everything in my power to not put myself in that situation, which is why I say if you found peace with your daughter, find other ways too.

        I also suggest asking your therapist if it would help you to join a group of other suffers of separation anxiety.

        Right now, I suggest taking your dogs for a walk and boost those dopamine levels! Smile at the world and ‘allow’ it to smile back at you. 🙂

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